Keep It Sweet: "Oh, I'm happy right where I'm at"

I talk to myself all the time.
Like all the time.
I'm talking to myself right now.

I remember sitting in a class in middle school learning about the value of communication--not necessarily with others, but with ourselves. I should probably point out that the class was called "People Skills." It was an elective, and yet I never elected to take it, I was placed there due to "scheduling conflicts" Suuuure thing, boss.

I love talking to myself. Some of my best conversations have been with myself, and frankly, I'm beginning to seriously wonder about this "eccentricity" (for lack of a better/kinder word). Why is it that I can never shut off?

Last night I had a terrible dream that I tore my ACL while running in the rain. I awoke this morning and decided to continue on with my training for a half-marathon in the late Fall. However, it was throughout my run this morning, both on the trail and the hill that I could not drop this thought. It felt as though with every single step I was taking I was one step closer to blowing my knee and being stuck. From there my brain wandered into the "then what" territory, which always makes me nervous--how can I stay in this LITTLE town with a torn ACL, no job, and nothing else to do? Is it possible to read two books a day instead of one? What if I move to the west coast now and look for a job when I get out there? Is this more about my knee; is this about being stuck?

It has been a long year. A year, which frankly could have been a lot worse if I let it, and more importantly if I didn't have the support and strength from my friends and family. It seems as though my time in grad school has been a lot harder than training for a single race a few months away, and with good reason. One declares you a master of your craft or field, while the other declares that you can run at your own pace for 13.1 miles-good for you. Regardless of the obvious truth, there is no better correlation in my life between continuing grad school and training for a race:

Exciting, arduous, painful, lonely, long, predictable, yet sometimes disconcerting, and personal.

While I have had incredible support this entire year, there is no other to say that grad school is personal. Just like everything in life that is tricky, or often unbearable, at the beginning of the day, it's you who has to get up and do it again, and it's you who has to say, "Not only can I do this damn thing, I will do this damn thing." A simple and tragically difficult truth that has taken me a year of brilliant external and intrapersonal conversations.

So, today's run was a bit distracted by fear. Fear of not making it up the hill because of a blown-out ACL (despite the incongruity of the dream having rain and today having puffy cumulus clouds floating in the sunshine).

Fear of getting stuck in my own rut. Fear of getting stuck here. Regardless of these fears though, today was beautiful, and last year was long and rough, but it was not impossible, because I did it. And you helped me do it. Guess NIKE was onto something with that slogan, "Just Do It," because I'm just gonna do it and be done with it. Dammit.

I think my weird dreams only help to fuel my non-stop self-chats. Whether I'm sleeping, running, working, reading, or even having a conversation with someone I am probably breaking down a dream from the night or even month before. Needless to say, it's beginning to get hard to get a word in edge-wise around this place.

keep it sweet,

caroline.

TOP SONG OF THE RUN: